Come out here
Where the roses have opened.
Let soul and world meet.
I apologise for all the delay and time I've been taking to introspect my life currently. As I'd like to say, haven't been doing that well as expected by lot of my dear ones. It's actually very much selfish of me if I'd say that many of you wouldn't get what situation or turmoils I've been fighting in my head every single moment, but also, many of you do understand cause you've been in that situation for a while.
I've been trying my best to come out of it through endless ways cause deep down I know that I want to live a good life. I was a good kid a sharp kid an all rounder cause I'm the single child of my lovely parents and they made me what they imagined of. I'm thankful to my parents for making me this beautiful human being and trust me, I wanted this human being to live. Hence, I was seeking for help from people internet music pills.
It's not so easy you know to win this battle that goes around in you. I think I got into this depressive mode since two years or so and as my therapist told me, once I got healed it became passive until something huge again happened to trigger it up. I had to have lot of courage to write this down and let it out in open cause maybe I thought I'd help someone who's in the same corner as I'm or let others judge me as of now I don't really care of my physical existence anymore.
I'm just a step below of that state where I'd lose all my thinking power to choose between death or life. But luckily I'm sane at times to hold myself back to the ground. You know the feeling is terrible cause my head doesn't work right, it's in extreme pain cause of the thoughts that swirl inside my head. I remember things that happened like years and years ago. I am angry sad frustrated and at the same time I try to be grateful which doesn't help. You know if you'd come n beat me up I won't even feel a shit but laugh at you cause the pain inside me is so massive and huge that the outer pain stands no chance to make me feel anything.
I was a happy kid as I said. I sometimes get mad at my parents thinking that they made me this nice person only to make me suffer this from the not so nice world. I've always been trying to be the perfect person ever since, the perfect daughter friend girlfriend lover sister and everything else. My perspective of things and the world is very much contradictory to what everyone sees it to be. If I'd like to explain you the feeling inside the head it's unexplainable cause it's like staying inside a volcano which is always so hot and sometimes inside a freezer, always so cold.
Somedays I'm really cold like a dead body literally. I sleep days off eat nothing to fall asleep and do nothing but just shut my mind off. Cause once my mind is on even with one thought, it's gonna create a huge fire inside me.
Somedays I'm really hot as burnt coal. I stay awake for days eat nothing or even if I force myself to eat I end up crying cause I'm forcing myself to eat. My mind doesn't shut itself up and I try to stop my breathing so that it shuts my mind off.
Well didn't help me anyway. Choking myself for peace doesn't help and you know the worst part is you look at the world n the people, it annoys you more cause all are so noisy fake bunch of show offs to love live happy. I don't know how people can pretend so much cause I certainly tried but I failed terribly at pretending to the world that "Hey I'm doing great. You need to envy me." All I'm successfully in pretending is in front of my parents cause I certainly don't want them to see me this weak and crazy and get them all teary. I know they will be guilty for not protecting me or letting me explore the world alone and making me a single child.
Life as they say happens. Yes, I'm extremely lucky to have such parents who gave me all the riches of life to all the wisdom to become a better human being. I locked myself up away from every single thing from people mostly cause they are zombies currently. Until it's Monday and I prepare myself to attend college somehow cause no matter what I can never let my parents get hurt by harming my career. They at least deserve to be happy somewhere. It's not so easy for everyone to understand all of it cause there are dicks in this world who's gonna laugh or make a gossip out of all. I don't know where I'm going with this article just wanted to give a slight tint of how people like me are battling every day in their own form as life is always not about which expensive car you gonna buy or what hair colour you want to go for or which brand you're wearing or how much parties you're attending and wasting money over it.
Damn. I totally should get a life.